Whoa 😂
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.