There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
You Might Also Like
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me recordaron éste meme
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
nyc:
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.