Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology