why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.