Cow it started Cow it’s going
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”