Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR