so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY