Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.