“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Just a friendly reminder!
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
moms in horror movies
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.