Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates