For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My spirit animal is fried chicken
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Name another movie that mislead you?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.