I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”