The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The Weeknd is back
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”