“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees