announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please