It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.