I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison