The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You Might Also Like
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.