You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
You Might Also Like
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.