Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*