“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.