The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”