I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes