Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Why am I like this?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”