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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Some people were born into their job.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.