me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale