At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice