Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
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honestly, i need both:
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”