I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
the way this pissed me off… 😭
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
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legadillo
cantgaroo
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noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.