While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*