me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You Might Also Like
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
You better watch out
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
can’t catch a break
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked