just got my engagement photos
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
i’m sure it’s fine
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Thursday
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.