I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Name this drama.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.