My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Cheer up.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.