I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises