I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”