Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I will never stop laughing at this
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!