Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
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“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though