Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
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The two types of wives
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I know this now 😂
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.