Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
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I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”