My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.