[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”