2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Not helping
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries