Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
You Might Also Like
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.