To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Monica just destroyed the internet
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…