[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
just gave your address to some spiders
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Yup.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.