A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.