Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You are not alone 💚
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’d hang this in my house.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?