I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?