I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
You Might Also Like
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Sharon I have some bad news
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
just gave your address to some spiders
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor